I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
