my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
