no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
