my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
