i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
