While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
