I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
