Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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