Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
