Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
