is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We have started to decorate penises.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
