apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
