pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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