3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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