grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
