I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
