yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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