the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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