I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
