his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
