i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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