We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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