When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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