I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
