I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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