I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
