last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
