His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
