I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
