he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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