swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
