apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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