i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
