I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
