Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
