I just saw a hot homeless man
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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