So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
