I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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