i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
