What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
