I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Congratulations! We have a period
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
