I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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