true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
