one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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