It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
