I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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