The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
