she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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