Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
