the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
