My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
