I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
